On a somewhat related note...

Today I'm heartsick.

This isn't really anything new. I've been "sick' since coming back from Mexico the first time--about 54 weeks now.

A couple weeks ago, I got the call that I would be able to serve in the Ivory Coast this summer. I was SUPER excited. And I'm just as, if not more, excited to spend the summer there! The more I think about it, the more I wish I could skip all of my classes, homework, and papers to just be in that beautiful country (and I know it's beautiful because I keep looking at pictures).

But I also had a sad realization a couple of weeks ago. As I talked to the sweet Mexican friends I met months ago, I had to wonder when I would see them again. I can't see them this summer. I can't see them this spring (although each member of my family can attest to the fact that I desperately tried to make that happen!). Moreover, I'm not sure when or if I will ever see them again. The world is a big place! And with each place and culture I get to experience, my heart breaks open again and a little piece falls out and stays there.

But I see this as an act of grace.

If my world--every person I've ever loved and every beautiful, unique culture I've ever wanted to see--could be put in a suitcase and moved with me to a beach in Thailand (because...why not?), it would be beyond amazing. I would live out the rest of my days never needing anything else in the world. It would be comfortable. But I have not been called to be comfortable. I was called to take up my cross and make disciples, and I can think of quite a few things more comfortable than that! I'm thankful God didn't take physical pain into account when He died on that cross for me. And I'm thankful He doesn't take heart pain into account as He continually seeks after me when I chase after frivolous things. That's heartbreak. And that's love. And we are called to display that love all the time, every day. Heartbreak is an act of grace because it reminds me of the job I've been given for this life.

But it is also an act of grace because it reminds me that nothing in this world will ever satisfy. God is the only one that will satisfy. And one sweet day I'll spend eternity with other God-lovers in perfect fellowship, united for the final time to worship our Creator. I imagine that the most beautiful moment of my earthly life will pale in comparison with this! It's so worth any pain and heartache we might endure to get there. I think a heart in turmoil is sometimes just an intense longing for the way life was meant to be...the way life will be one soon day.

xoxo

kelsey